Sunday, March 27
Breakfast
one egg - 70
peas - 20?
horseradish - 5
omfg. so delicious.
i feel like i should post some thinspo today, its been a while and stuff. ive been so busy and my roomates have been around so like. its hard you know. lol. i wish i had a computer in my room :(
k so. that is all. for now my loves.
xoxo
Saturday, March 26
Pain pain pain.
oh my god. something is wrong with me.
and why cant i be bothered to go to the doctor's then?
its not like i live anywhere i have to pay for medical care.
im so avoidant. and lazy, and scared.
i hate doctors.
and why cant i be bothered to go to the doctor's then?
its not like i live anywhere i have to pay for medical care.
im so avoidant. and lazy, and scared.
i hate doctors.
Also
thursday i avoided all confrontation.
i had a coffee. they picked me up after dinner so i simply just didnt eat. they never asked what i had, so i never lied. :)
then we met their personal trainer because they ae getting married and each wanna lose 50 pounds. i was like me too. then Chi, the trainer, she was like uhm Ellie I think you only have about 30 you could lose then you might go into being underweight for your height. I was like well my sister is sixfoot and she weighs 115 most of the time, sometiems 120 and she struggles to keep weight on and she doesnt look like a bonerack or anything nor is she unhealthy. because BMI and all that jazz is a shit way of telling but like. k.
but shes rally expensive. so. N is going to do the plan. and then teach me. since she has a home gym anyways and she benefits from me losing weight also. bwaha. and dioet is easy.
N wants to keep food journals together. which i agreed to. but like. im going to have to make a fake one i think. cuz when hers is like to mine in comparriosn
like. yeaaaaah. lolol. or i could maybe start eating like a normal person again? i unno.
considering i did come out of recovery/rehab whatever like a normal fucking person and able to eat and love myself (mostly cuz of tim) but then i got fat!!! cuz i was too scared to go to the gym or like really reign in my habits because what if i started being "sick" again. so i just started purging. and then restricting and diet pills and omfg look. im RIGHT bacjk here.
and then some asshiole goes and calls me obese and gets his friends to too on twitter and like. im so worthless and fat. i do not want to be obese. i know im not. i know im not but im going to be. i have to stop. i have to control this NOW. and only I have the power to do so.
fuck fuck fuck.
i had a coffee. they picked me up after dinner so i simply just didnt eat. they never asked what i had, so i never lied. :)
then we met their personal trainer because they ae getting married and each wanna lose 50 pounds. i was like me too. then Chi, the trainer, she was like uhm Ellie I think you only have about 30 you could lose then you might go into being underweight for your height. I was like well my sister is sixfoot and she weighs 115 most of the time, sometiems 120 and she struggles to keep weight on and she doesnt look like a bonerack or anything nor is she unhealthy. because BMI and all that jazz is a shit way of telling but like. k.
but shes rally expensive. so. N is going to do the plan. and then teach me. since she has a home gym anyways and she benefits from me losing weight also. bwaha. and dioet is easy.
N wants to keep food journals together. which i agreed to. but like. im going to have to make a fake one i think. cuz when hers is like to mine in comparriosn
like. yeaaaaah. lolol. or i could maybe start eating like a normal person again? i unno.
considering i did come out of recovery/rehab whatever like a normal fucking person and able to eat and love myself (mostly cuz of tim) but then i got fat!!! cuz i was too scared to go to the gym or like really reign in my habits because what if i started being "sick" again. so i just started purging. and then restricting and diet pills and omfg look. im RIGHT bacjk here.
and then some asshiole goes and calls me obese and gets his friends to too on twitter and like. im so worthless and fat. i do not want to be obese. i know im not. i know im not but im going to be. i have to stop. i have to control this NOW. and only I have the power to do so.
fuck fuck fuck.
Wednesday, March 23
My back Hurts
im in pain.
i plan to just walk a couple km to the bank/mall and drink a lot of tea and coffee.
i wanna eat smething bad at the mall. im thinking greek salad?
but then again i might not. itd be better to not since tomorrow night is "cheat" night for my friend diet and so we have bad bad food. like taco bell.
last week e had veal marsala homemade with roast potatoes. it was all i ate that day, and it was fucking good. but not filling. so there was a late night bigmac run :''''(
i am so weak. its pathetic really.
xoxo
Stay Strong
i plan to just walk a couple km to the bank/mall and drink a lot of tea and coffee.
i wanna eat smething bad at the mall. im thinking greek salad?
but then again i might not. itd be better to not since tomorrow night is "cheat" night for my friend diet and so we have bad bad food. like taco bell.
last week e had veal marsala homemade with roast potatoes. it was all i ate that day, and it was fucking good. but not filling. so there was a late night bigmac run :''''(
i am so weak. its pathetic really.
xoxo
Stay Strong
Tuesday, March 22
hello, its me ...
hello old friend.
im cranky like, extremely irritable. and i cant find anything to wear. its too hot, but also too cold here, you should prolly know that. sometimes i cry for no reason. and i don't know what the hell is going on other than i am extremely uncomfortable and you. are. late.
please get here as fast as you can. im starting to worry.
i wont even be mad. i wont even punch your house again. i promise.
xxox
im cranky like, extremely irritable. and i cant find anything to wear. its too hot, but also too cold here, you should prolly know that. sometimes i cry for no reason. and i don't know what the hell is going on other than i am extremely uncomfortable and you. are. late.
please get here as fast as you can. im starting to worry.
i wont even be mad. i wont even punch your house again. i promise.
xxox
Monday, March 21
ungggh
my period is always awful. i shot up five pounds from last night, im bloated and grumpy and in paaain.
back to bed for i think.
xoxoxo
back to bed for i think.
xoxoxo
Sunday, March 20
dont touch my shit
DEAR SHIT TOUCHERS,
I regrettfully need to ask you to stop touching my shit. Whether it be shit I let you touch in the past or new shit, at home, at work, or at school... just stop. Stop Now. STOP TOUCHING MY SHIT!!!
you clearly are incapable of doing so with care and with an attitude towards my shit as though it were your shit, and your disrespect of my shit has caused me to terminate this shit touching relationship.
You fuck up my art, you fucked up my glazes. You have fucked up my kilns even. JUST DONT FUCKING TOUCH IT.
At Work- we have a whole cabinet of bottles. Get one, and fill it with your needed product. Do not just help yourself to my bottles. Don't even just borrow my6 kit. If you cant pout things back in their places, or not smash them, then do not touch my shit.
DONT TOUCH MY SHIT.
DO NOT BITCH TO ME THE DISHES HAVENT BEEN DONE AND its all my shit when YOU used my shit, dirtied it and didnt wash it. don't burn my shit, dont smash my shit, dont fucking touch my shit. i notice that the spiderman jellow shot residue is STILL IN MY SPIDERMAN PAN. im not fucjking washing it, YOU USED IT. wash it. and then dont fucking touch my shit.
a big thank you to the persdon who successfully ruined a second cutting board of mine. I so enjoy throwing 35$ down the toilet, infact later tonight if you want you can stand and watch me flush some nice crisp bills from my imaginary never ending bank account i use to replace the shit you destroy. thank you for breaking my knife block, some of my knives, burning the shit out of a spatula that is not meant for being used in a pan (its a bakers spatula for your information, its from making icing or scraping bowls into pans and the like. its made of plastic, its not silicone or anything fancy, it says on it "not intended for use with heat". go figure).
do not move my shit around my house. i dont like to have to hunt for my shit because you had nothing better to do than go through my shit.
DONT TOUCH MY FUCKING SHIT.
I regrettfully need to ask you to stop touching my shit. Whether it be shit I let you touch in the past or new shit, at home, at work, or at school... just stop. Stop Now. STOP TOUCHING MY SHIT!!!
you clearly are incapable of doing so with care and with an attitude towards my shit as though it were your shit, and your disrespect of my shit has caused me to terminate this shit touching relationship.
You fuck up my art, you fucked up my glazes. You have fucked up my kilns even. JUST DONT FUCKING TOUCH IT.
At Work- we have a whole cabinet of bottles. Get one, and fill it with your needed product. Do not just help yourself to my bottles. Don't even just borrow my6 kit. If you cant pout things back in their places, or not smash them, then do not touch my shit.
DONT TOUCH MY SHIT.
DO NOT BITCH TO ME THE DISHES HAVENT BEEN DONE AND its all my shit when YOU used my shit, dirtied it and didnt wash it. don't burn my shit, dont smash my shit, dont fucking touch my shit. i notice that the spiderman jellow shot residue is STILL IN MY SPIDERMAN PAN. im not fucjking washing it, YOU USED IT. wash it. and then dont fucking touch my shit.
a big thank you to the persdon who successfully ruined a second cutting board of mine. I so enjoy throwing 35$ down the toilet, infact later tonight if you want you can stand and watch me flush some nice crisp bills from my imaginary never ending bank account i use to replace the shit you destroy. thank you for breaking my knife block, some of my knives, burning the shit out of a spatula that is not meant for being used in a pan (its a bakers spatula for your information, its from making icing or scraping bowls into pans and the like. its made of plastic, its not silicone or anything fancy, it says on it "not intended for use with heat". go figure).
do not move my shit around my house. i dont like to have to hunt for my shit because you had nothing better to do than go through my shit.
DONT TOUCH MY FUCKING SHIT.
Saturday, March 19
im a fat monster
turns out it was a scam. we werent looking at BRIDE gowns it was fucking BRIDESMAID dresses day. everyone was kinda fucking bitchy until the last place. like this one "upscale" house was really fucking rude. and thats where i encountered a rack of ONLY 6s.
i want to crawl in a fucking hole and die. i am a FAT MONSTER and who the fuck ever let me go out in public thinking im not obese should be shot because according to these stores they (the poeple calling me not obese) are so wrong. im the fattest fucking person on the face of the planet.
everywhere we went carried samples in 6, 8 and sometimes if you were lucky you could find a 10. im a 12 on the street. like my BCBG dress is a 12. dresses are always 12 or 14 for me. ALWAYS.
so im like trying to squeeze into these 8s and 10s, and im not getting anywhere. i look awful, i feel fat as fuck. im like borderline tears. this is the first and second store.... the third was only 6s and fiilled with middle aged bitchy cuntbags.
we get to Bridal Image and pull all the 12s we can find, because THEY actually have 12s in the samples. theyre not fitting my hips, i cant zip them, the boobs are too big im like frustrated and in tears. like seriously. why is something not fitting my fucking hips like 80 sizes too big in the bust? unless you're rocking silicon, the chances of having a 44 inch bust and a 30 inch hip are slim to none. and im not disproportionate... i dont think? 38-30-42, and like yeah i could loose some butt or thigh fat here but im not like a fucking pear cow monster? am i??
THEN the lady tells me that a 12 is really a size 6 or sometimes 8 and a 6 is actually a normal size 2. bridal sizes run small. well to me, thats extremely small. so she puts me in a plus sized dress, the smallest one which is an 18. fine, so that should be a 12. no its a goddamn BAG on me. and it looked nasty even with clips on it because its made for fucking obese people and im NOT OBESE. am i? like the neckline was up to my neck and the hem down past my knees. and i JUST had the SAME dress on in a 10 which obv didnt fit but the neckline was normal... like one or two inches from the nipple and the hemline was mid thigh. and strapless. the fat people one had these nasty little spaghetti straps which were pointless cuz like. the back was up to the top of my shoulder anyway. and id wear a plus sized dress no problem if it LOOKED good. whats the deal with making fat people clothes fugly.. like they weigh 300 pounds already, dont makde it fucking worse.
am i fucking obese and oblivious or something???? i feel so ugly, so fat, and like i can lose all the weight in the world and i will still have wide hips and a huge ribcage. thats what gets me. i have like no fat on my ribs ... like i can barely grab any even on my back ribs. im just fat in the middle and the thigh area and my upper arm like. WHY DOES NOTHING FUCKING FIT????
the other thing is i dont mind floor length dresses but i like my legs. i wanted short ones. the short ones arent wide enough for my hips. LIKE. why????
since we dont have a colour or a particular styhle set yet, we were just looking to see what works with me (apparently fucking nothing) i cant even have a dress made for me and then altered later. i just. want to die.
like. you'd have to be like 8 yeard old to get the damn things on. and yet it still has fucking destroyed me. im so sad.
someone mentionend these are vintage sizes. which means for all those times yure told starlets are a size 10 or 12, in todays sizes that makes them a six. what a fucking scam.
i feel awful and i wanna die. im s'posed to be at a masquarade party tonight and i put my BCBG dress on, but all i can see is everything wrong with me. im not going. im a cow. im going to hide out at home and prolly toss up dinner and exercise. because the last thing i needed to set me over the edge of no eating life is this. between tim and the summer coming and being stressed, i had very little room to maneuver around being stupid and starving. i feel like its the only fucking answer though. i dont understand that. UNGH.
next stop. liposuction please. i cant stop crying. i hate myselof so much right now.
i want to crawl in a fucking hole and die. i am a FAT MONSTER and who the fuck ever let me go out in public thinking im not obese should be shot because according to these stores they (the poeple calling me not obese) are so wrong. im the fattest fucking person on the face of the planet.
everywhere we went carried samples in 6, 8 and sometimes if you were lucky you could find a 10. im a 12 on the street. like my BCBG dress is a 12. dresses are always 12 or 14 for me. ALWAYS.
so im like trying to squeeze into these 8s and 10s, and im not getting anywhere. i look awful, i feel fat as fuck. im like borderline tears. this is the first and second store.... the third was only 6s and fiilled with middle aged bitchy cuntbags.
we get to Bridal Image and pull all the 12s we can find, because THEY actually have 12s in the samples. theyre not fitting my hips, i cant zip them, the boobs are too big im like frustrated and in tears. like seriously. why is something not fitting my fucking hips like 80 sizes too big in the bust? unless you're rocking silicon, the chances of having a 44 inch bust and a 30 inch hip are slim to none. and im not disproportionate... i dont think? 38-30-42, and like yeah i could loose some butt or thigh fat here but im not like a fucking pear cow monster? am i??
THEN the lady tells me that a 12 is really a size 6 or sometimes 8 and a 6 is actually a normal size 2. bridal sizes run small. well to me, thats extremely small. so she puts me in a plus sized dress, the smallest one which is an 18. fine, so that should be a 12. no its a goddamn BAG on me. and it looked nasty even with clips on it because its made for fucking obese people and im NOT OBESE. am i? like the neckline was up to my neck and the hem down past my knees. and i JUST had the SAME dress on in a 10 which obv didnt fit but the neckline was normal... like one or two inches from the nipple and the hemline was mid thigh. and strapless. the fat people one had these nasty little spaghetti straps which were pointless cuz like. the back was up to the top of my shoulder anyway. and id wear a plus sized dress no problem if it LOOKED good. whats the deal with making fat people clothes fugly.. like they weigh 300 pounds already, dont makde it fucking worse.
am i fucking obese and oblivious or something???? i feel so ugly, so fat, and like i can lose all the weight in the world and i will still have wide hips and a huge ribcage. thats what gets me. i have like no fat on my ribs ... like i can barely grab any even on my back ribs. im just fat in the middle and the thigh area and my upper arm like. WHY DOES NOTHING FUCKING FIT????
the other thing is i dont mind floor length dresses but i like my legs. i wanted short ones. the short ones arent wide enough for my hips. LIKE. why????
since we dont have a colour or a particular styhle set yet, we were just looking to see what works with me (apparently fucking nothing) i cant even have a dress made for me and then altered later. i just. want to die.
like. you'd have to be like 8 yeard old to get the damn things on. and yet it still has fucking destroyed me. im so sad.
someone mentionend these are vintage sizes. which means for all those times yure told starlets are a size 10 or 12, in todays sizes that makes them a six. what a fucking scam.
i feel awful and i wanna die. im s'posed to be at a masquarade party tonight and i put my BCBG dress on, but all i can see is everything wrong with me. im not going. im a cow. im going to hide out at home and prolly toss up dinner and exercise. because the last thing i needed to set me over the edge of no eating life is this. between tim and the summer coming and being stressed, i had very little room to maneuver around being stupid and starving. i feel like its the only fucking answer though. i dont understand that. UNGH.
next stop. liposuction please. i cant stop crying. i hate myselof so much right now.
wedding dress shopping
im going with my friend. time to start looking at bridesmaid dresses too.
IM NOT FUCKING READY. i have fifty pounds to go man. atleaaast!
IM NOT FUCKING READY. i have fifty pounds to go man. atleaaast!
Wednesday, March 16
Photoshoot Today
i hated it. i dont like modeling when im so fat as i am.
and with my braces showing too, ungh. fml.
chicken for lunch.
and with my braces showing too, ungh. fml.
chicken for lunch.
Tuesday, March 15
If I eat...
i feel like i have lost control and the day is ruined so i may as well binge.
i dont know how to get over this mentality. i just ate a litre of yogurt.
600 calories. of YOGURT.
earlier i had noodle soup shuit and peas with hotsauce, arond 200.
so that makes this day 800. unacceptable.
yesterday i had wings ... and a brownie. to prove im not starving myself.
loadof crap that is. fuck hotsauce is good though.
so here we are hovring at 190... i feel like the fucking scale will tip now. i want to go the otherway but ive just gone and fucked this up for myself.
and i do nothing. i lay about the house thinking of food and feeling my stomach rumble. this is so bad. i need to be productive and get on with my life. im such a complete and utter failure.... lord.
no wonder he left me.
xxxox
i dont know how to get over this mentality. i just ate a litre of yogurt.
600 calories. of YOGURT.
earlier i had noodle soup shuit and peas with hotsauce, arond 200.
so that makes this day 800. unacceptable.
yesterday i had wings ... and a brownie. to prove im not starving myself.
loadof crap that is. fuck hotsauce is good though.
so here we are hovring at 190... i feel like the fucking scale will tip now. i want to go the otherway but ive just gone and fucked this up for myself.
and i do nothing. i lay about the house thinking of food and feeling my stomach rumble. this is so bad. i need to be productive and get on with my life. im such a complete and utter failure.... lord.
no wonder he left me.
xxxox
Monday, March 14
yaaaay
okay.
wait what?
im at 190.
i gained almost back to 200 at the beginning of march? i unno. i cant emember. my chart at the side is wrong. anyways i lost 8 pounds and im back at 190.
i feel so. YAY.
ten more pounds and ill be on the right track. then we can start talking about jeans and mini skirts again.
im still fat. but im not as fat.
soon i wont be fat. like in juuuuuune.
dances.
xoxoxo
wait what?
im at 190.
i gained almost back to 200 at the beginning of march? i unno. i cant emember. my chart at the side is wrong. anyways i lost 8 pounds and im back at 190.
i feel so. YAY.
ten more pounds and ill be on the right track. then we can start talking about jeans and mini skirts again.
im still fat. but im not as fat.
soon i wont be fat. like in juuuuuune.
dances.
xoxoxo
Sunday, March 13
Courture
does not come in plus sizes.
does not look good on fat people anyway.
i dont need to be a 4 (though id love it). just stick with me girl. we can be an 8 or a 6. in no time.
onion soup
100 cals (put glass noodles + olive oil in it)
does not look good on fat people anyway.
i dont need to be a 4 (though id love it). just stick with me girl. we can be an 8 or a 6. in no time.
onion soup
100 cals (put glass noodles + olive oil in it)
i am hungry
but i will not eat.
yesterday. peas 80
taco (omfg im so bad.. i coulda atleast gone fresco) 200
perogies 130 (for three)
410. its still under 500. but stillllll.
teas today. no idea what dinner will be. prolly cheerios.
xxx
yesterday. peas 80
taco (omfg im so bad.. i coulda atleast gone fresco) 200
perogies 130 (for three)
410. its still under 500. but stillllll.
teas today. no idea what dinner will be. prolly cheerios.
xxx
Saturday, March 12
SIX POUNDS
i lost six pounds.
i dont know why i took lax when i hadnt eaten. all that happened ws incredible stomach pain.
i miss activia. i had peas and hot sauce. im afraid of my metalobism going wonky again so im ... i dont know what im doing.
i feel guilty eating those peas. like 80 cals of peas. PEAS. fuck,
i want to wear my BCBG dress to gallery opening. i want to be lighter when i see him again. i want him to see i am capable and im hot stuff and he just fucking lost out big.
i want to be everything all at once.
thats whats stopping me
xoxox
i dont know why i took lax when i hadnt eaten. all that happened ws incredible stomach pain.
i miss activia. i had peas and hot sauce. im afraid of my metalobism going wonky again so im ... i dont know what im doing.
i feel guilty eating those peas. like 80 cals of peas. PEAS. fuck,
i want to wear my BCBG dress to gallery opening. i want to be lighter when i see him again. i want him to see i am capable and im hot stuff and he just fucking lost out big.
i want to be everything all at once.
thats whats stopping me
xoxox
Friday, March 11
Lax Attax
they MADE me eat perogies.
excuuuse me. fucking watching me like a hawk. IM DEPRESSED GTFO.
dont watch me eat.
took lax, since i havent pooed out the taco bell yet lol.
and im like eating packets of hot sauce, this is gonna be BAD.
beauty is pain, however
xoxoxox
excuuuse me. fucking watching me like a hawk. IM DEPRESSED GTFO.
dont watch me eat.
took lax, since i havent pooed out the taco bell yet lol.
and im like eating packets of hot sauce, this is gonna be BAD.
beauty is pain, however
xoxoxox
yesterday/ today
meximelt. - 270
diet pepsi - 0
jello mousse thing - 60
320
today
oatmeal 120
ungh. only down 1 pound
diet pepsi - 0
jello mousse thing - 60
320
today
oatmeal 120
ungh. only down 1 pound
Thursday, March 10
yesterday
yesterday
activia - 100.
tea. lol.
lost a pound.
i have to go to taco bell with my friend tonight, god i hope she was fucking kidding.
everything there is so small and unfilling, but vastly high in cals. i can have the bean burrito fresco or the beef or chicken soft taco fresco due to my soy allergy.
bean burrito - 340 (regular bean burrito is 370 wtf? how is this diet)
chicken soft taco - 170
beef soft taco - 170
BUT I GAVE UP MEAT. FAAAAHHUUCK.
im really poor right now, as in i have five dollars in the bank. soi cant even suggest going to somewhere better. and this was our thing, when we were skinny,.... to eat Taco Bell and watch Judge Judy, it was our down and dirty grub day.
i hafta fast all day and exercise a lot. because tonight is going to be bad. i think im going to have two bean burritos (fresco) and a diet pop. thats 680.... blarggg. unless i can get a bean soft taco. that might be less cals but i dont know cuz the besn filling isnt listed sperately on the nutri facts.
life is so hard sometimesssss.
activia - 100.
tea. lol.
lost a pound.
i have to go to taco bell with my friend tonight, god i hope she was fucking kidding.
everything there is so small and unfilling, but vastly high in cals. i can have the bean burrito fresco or the beef or chicken soft taco fresco due to my soy allergy.
bean burrito - 340 (regular bean burrito is 370 wtf? how is this diet)
chicken soft taco - 170
beef soft taco - 170
BUT I GAVE UP MEAT. FAAAAHHUUCK.
im really poor right now, as in i have five dollars in the bank. soi cant even suggest going to somewhere better. and this was our thing, when we were skinny,.... to eat Taco Bell and watch Judge Judy, it was our down and dirty grub day.
i hafta fast all day and exercise a lot. because tonight is going to be bad. i think im going to have two bean burritos (fresco) and a diet pop. thats 680.... blarggg. unless i can get a bean soft taco. that might be less cals but i dont know cuz the besn filling isnt listed sperately on the nutri facts.
life is so hard sometimesssss.
Wednesday, March 9
Lent
no meat. fasting. no junk food.
only eating after five pm, but before seven pm. max of 500 calories a day.
tea, coffee, water.
only eating after five pm, but before seven pm. max of 500 calories a day.
tea, coffee, water.
Saturday, March 5
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