Also

thursday i avoided all confrontation.

i had a coffee. they picked me up after dinner so i simply just didnt eat. they never asked what i had, so i never lied. :)

then we met their personal trainer because they ae getting married and each wanna lose 50 pounds. i was like me too. then Chi, the trainer, she was like uhm Ellie I think you only have about 30 you could lose then you might go into being underweight for your height. I was like well my sister is sixfoot and she weighs 115 most of the time, sometiems 120 and she struggles to keep weight on and she doesnt look like a bonerack or anything nor is she unhealthy. because BMI and all that jazz is a shit way of telling but like. k.

but shes rally expensive. so. N is going to do the plan. and then teach me. since she has a home gym anyways and she benefits from me losing weight also. bwaha. and dioet is easy.

N wants to keep food journals together. which i agreed to. but like. im going to have to make a fake one i think. cuz when hers is like to mine in comparriosn
like. yeaaaaah. lolol. or i could maybe start eating like a normal person again? i unno.

considering i did come out of recovery/rehab whatever like a normal fucking person and able to eat and love myself (mostly cuz of tim) but then i got fat!!! cuz i was too scared to go to the gym or like really reign in my habits because what if i started being "sick" again. so i just started purging. and then restricting and diet pills and omfg look. im RIGHT bacjk here.

and then some asshiole goes and calls me obese and gets his friends to too on twitter and like. im so worthless and fat. i do not want to be obese. i know im not. i know im not but im going to be. i have to stop. i have to control this NOW. and only I have the power to do so.


fuck fuck fuck.