Friends

they just don't understand.

two mini pizzas. 8oz diet pepsi. 8oz kool aid.

tomorrow. the gym.

xoxo
Femme

Take Me Away

beans. beans beans beans.

170 calories of beans.
90 calories of pasta.
54 calories of smoked salmon

thats 314 calories.

xoxox
Femme

Shi Shi

pasta binge.
i suck.... a lot


i look at the bones on my hands and the hollows of my wrists

and at night i cling to my hip bones like they're already protruding...

but the truth is im nothing but a sack of fat. and it makes me so upset.

how can i shed weight from places that dont matter?

my ankles, elbows, hands, wrists, collar bones, and even hip bones

loose flesh while my thighs and arms stay plump,

my belly sticking out like a baby bump.

femme, she says... you're not trying.

there can't be food in my cupboard, i'll eat it.
portion control. i have

self control, i lack.

for my new room i shall purchase a cork board

and thinspo the hell out of it.

i will buy a bathroom scale

a jump rope and yoga mat.

i will be thin someday.

no... i wont be thin. i will be, perfect.

content and happy

everything i ever dreamed of.

xoxox

Femme

you're pulling the trigger

have some composure, where is your posture?

it was not about promoting a disease masked lifestyle but as a pro support type atmosphere.

hey. where's here... we understand.


the wannarexics ruin everything.

from our lives to their own.

this post-pro ana is bullshit.
BULL SHIT.
if anything, those girls are worse than any pro ana i've ever encountered.


no matter.

460 cals today.

xoxox
Femme

reflections

am i but a reflection of the misgrievings and deep rooted psych issues of my family?

i look in the mirror and similarities do not escape my gaze. the real question then is, whats the main cause? are the means justified by my end?

is there an end....

or is this eternal.

damnation of my own soul by my self.

Self.

thats a concept i think i missed.

do you remember in first or third person?

i remember via over the shoulder gaze, free to walk about the room. interact with other people, objects.... feelings. do i percieve more than i can literally see? why is it i remember what i wore, what i ate, who was sitting where, what lighting there was, the weather.... the surroundings... specific quotes or thoughts i had, when i remember not the feelings?

memories to me, are pages from a book, something i read long ago and have mostly forgotten. a window to a girl, who is not me. a time, i never experienced.

what has this to do with anorexia, i ask myself.


oh... but everything. the disease that destroys manifests itself from memories not my own. the flesh i shed, in attempts to find that perfect soul.. the answer to my search. the known, is always the unknown. how then, can i make any progress?

rambles from a broken mind.
maybe thats all it is... dementia and psychosis, denial of something bigger.

the alone feeling is the worst. i don't care that i don't know who... or what.... i am. the fact that i am unable to communicate with others.... to accept their friendship, or let them touch me.... is what hurts the most. the distance gaurds me..... from what? pain... i have enough pain already, how can anymore hurt.

i hold my breath when you hug me or come too close.

when you touch my arm, shoulder, or back i jump away.
eye contact paralyzes me with fear

is there no hope?
the answer lies within.

but will i find it in time?

xoxox
Femme

If I smile....

i want you to ruin me....
i walk alone to find myself. im longing to be lost in you.

im already there. away from me.

back to rice and vegetables. once or twice a day, home exercise.


this old thing...

Mondays & Rainy Days:
15 minute stretch
Walk - 60min
100 crunches
100 arm circles both ways
50 leg lifts normal
50 leg lifts kicks
50 leg lifts mid center high

Tuesday:
15 min stretch
50 grande plies in 3rd
100 crunches
200 jumping jacks
walk - 60min

Wedsnesday:
15 minute stretch
walk- 60min
50 demi plies in 1st
50 grande plies in 3rd
100 crunches
20 min jog

Thursday:
15 min stretch
100 plies (varitantion)
50 leg lifts (variations)
100 arm circles both ways
150 crunches
20 min jog

Friday:
15 min stretch
100 grande plies in 3rd
150 crunches
20 min jog

Sat & Sun:200 crunches
150 grande plies
30 min of stretching
100 leg lifts
50 squats
200 jumping jacks
20 min jog

xoxox
Femme

Lie To Me.

This is a story about a broken girl. Very broken. I love my self loathing; I hate how much of me there is to revile. I am loved. If I could just be good enough for myself. I want perfection. That is less than I am now. I am fatter than perfection. That needs to change.

fivefooteight
CW - 161
HW - 186
LW - 134

GW - 150
GW2 - 140
GW3 - 126
UGW - 115

xoxoFemme