tuesday

breakfast ... 3 eggs. 210
lunch.... cheese. 100
snack.... yogurt. 100
shit tone of crackers. 200

gym. -250

dinner... 3 pieces liver. 150
one potato. 150

total = 910
- 250

== 660.

that will do.
i will prolly do 100 crunches before bed and some stretching though>

that goddamn dress is in and i have actually gained weight again. im 177. i was down to 173.

i dont think i ever updated it but Novemeber 2010 i was 225 pounds. HOW THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN???? but anyways. its been a year and a bit and dood, i fucking lost 50 goddamn pounds. so. im pretty happy with that but i mean imagine had i STAYED at 175 and lost 50 pounds? ID BE DONE NOW. but noooooo little lard ass had to sit and eat and gobble up all the food and be all whiney and depressed. god Ellie, get your fucking head out of your ass.

THAT DRESS MUST BE ALTERED. i want it taken in two fucking sizes.

September 14th, the deadline is going to be early August. GET MOVING.

i wanna cry because it feels so fucking impossible. i cant do it. but i cant give up. i just am so conflicted about where i stand in regardsw to my health and my obessions. BLARG.

no thinspo, im starting to repeat it since i having gathered anything new sincde last march. sorry loves.

xoxoxo
Queenie

monday

i bought Hydroycut. I feel like a cheater, but i only have 28 days. i need to maximize them with gym, dieting and weight loss pills. they make me so dizzy and high, i see stars and feel floaty, but it also says to make sure i am not having any caffiene with them and to eat 1500 calories a day.

thats a joke. i eat roughly 800 a day, which is good for me. and i burn off generally upwards of 1200 cals a day. im maintaining, oddly. i blame my binge weekends with my boyfriend where i garble up all kinds of crap guilt free and live on nasty carbs.

im torn. i was so recovered.... then i got insanely fat. because i went from using food as punishment to using it as love. i cannot control myself. i am either starving and over working out, or i am binging and purging with no exercise. why cant i get a grip on this??

i am in a period of semi recovery. i want to be healthy. i want to lose the weight i have gained but not feel so desperate about it. but i do, oh god how fucking desperate i feel. i feel it wont ever come off, im ging to be fat forever and i keep fucking up my progress. then i feel i know it can come off, i have done it before i can fucking do it again if i wasnt so goddamn weak. torn. so torn.

i have limited groceries and no spare money, that is a good statr to this week. i will live on carrots and soup and protein bars and diet pills. tinned fish and fresh water, no diet soda.

dear god just. make it end.

xx been a while

finally have proper internet again.

im not sure if that means i will be updating this more regularily or not.


i will try.

i need to get back to the gym proper. blah.

ill leave you with a few skinny thoughts,
xoxox