monday

i bought Hydroycut. I feel like a cheater, but i only have 28 days. i need to maximize them with gym, dieting and weight loss pills. they make me so dizzy and high, i see stars and feel floaty, but it also says to make sure i am not having any caffiene with them and to eat 1500 calories a day.

thats a joke. i eat roughly 800 a day, which is good for me. and i burn off generally upwards of 1200 cals a day. im maintaining, oddly. i blame my binge weekends with my boyfriend where i garble up all kinds of crap guilt free and live on nasty carbs.

im torn. i was so recovered.... then i got insanely fat. because i went from using food as punishment to using it as love. i cannot control myself. i am either starving and over working out, or i am binging and purging with no exercise. why cant i get a grip on this??

i am in a period of semi recovery. i want to be healthy. i want to lose the weight i have gained but not feel so desperate about it. but i do, oh god how fucking desperate i feel. i feel it wont ever come off, im ging to be fat forever and i keep fucking up my progress. then i feel i know it can come off, i have done it before i can fucking do it again if i wasnt so goddamn weak. torn. so torn.

i have limited groceries and no spare money, that is a good statr to this week. i will live on carrots and soup and protein bars and diet pills. tinned fish and fresh water, no diet soda.

dear god just. make it end.