reflections

am i but a reflection of the misgrievings and deep rooted psych issues of my family?

i look in the mirror and similarities do not escape my gaze. the real question then is, whats the main cause? are the means justified by my end?

is there an end....

or is this eternal.

damnation of my own soul by my self.

Self.

thats a concept i think i missed.

do you remember in first or third person?

i remember via over the shoulder gaze, free to walk about the room. interact with other people, objects.... feelings. do i percieve more than i can literally see? why is it i remember what i wore, what i ate, who was sitting where, what lighting there was, the weather.... the surroundings... specific quotes or thoughts i had, when i remember not the feelings?

memories to me, are pages from a book, something i read long ago and have mostly forgotten. a window to a girl, who is not me. a time, i never experienced.

what has this to do with anorexia, i ask myself.


oh... but everything. the disease that destroys manifests itself from memories not my own. the flesh i shed, in attempts to find that perfect soul.. the answer to my search. the known, is always the unknown. how then, can i make any progress?

rambles from a broken mind.
maybe thats all it is... dementia and psychosis, denial of something bigger.

the alone feeling is the worst. i don't care that i don't know who... or what.... i am. the fact that i am unable to communicate with others.... to accept their friendship, or let them touch me.... is what hurts the most. the distance gaurds me..... from what? pain... i have enough pain already, how can anymore hurt.

i hold my breath when you hug me or come too close.

when you touch my arm, shoulder, or back i jump away.
eye contact paralyzes me with fear

is there no hope?
the answer lies within.

but will i find it in time?

xoxox
Femme